He looked hurt. Yes, definitely got punched. His jaw was distorted, cheeks swollen and a thin red streak ran between his lips, slowly draining towards the corner of his mouth. I motioned him to the dental chair reserved for emergency trauma. He shuffled towards it, looked around and headed for the sink.
“Hey, where are you going?”
No answer.
He opened the tap, leaned over, and the contents of his mouth splashed into the sink, exploding in violent crimson. Bits of green and brown floated around
I rushed to his help, only to be met with a disarming smile of red, paan-stained teeth: “Sir, I have come only for teeth cleaning.”
He is a typical, garden-variety example of what I, as a long-suffering dentist, call a ‘mouth marauder’: A member of the gutkha-munching, cigarette-smoking, paan-chewing, pik-spitting breed whose sole mission in life is to paint the town red, literally!
He is everywhere, the Omnipresent Lord of Filth. Cleanliness is indeed next to godliness. Meaning, my friends, that it is as difficult to find a clean mouth as it is to find God. Speaking of which, may the Almighty help you if Mr. Betel Breath opens his mouth. The tsunami of halitosis will send you scampering for a mask. No, it’s not the genteel N95. Only a crude World War 1 chemical gas mask will do. Trench warfare, you see. Or rather, stench warfare…the one unleashed by these taamul terrorists!
Devastating as it may be, you are still in olfactory heaven if you aren’t a dentist. You see, dear readers, we poor teeth-treaters are the cannon fodder, the ‘bali ka bakra’s of these marauding mouths.
Their abysmal attitudes towards oral hygiene are the stuff of dental folklore. The rare occasions when they do show the slightest interest are once-in-a-lifetime events.
“Doc, I am getting married next week, please make my teeth shine… and only the front teeth.” Yeah sure, a lifetime of grime to be made ‘Orbit white’ in 30 minutes… that’s what we do. Miracle working is our nine-to-five job! Failure is not an option. At best he won’t return; at worst he beats you up. Somehow, we do it.
Next up is the intense scrutiny by the patient pointing to the minuscule dot of stain and absolutely insisting on spotless virginal white. If he was as fussy about his oral hygiene, he would not have to visit me in the first place! The fees… less said the better. He will spend a fortune on his pre-wedding photo shoot, but when it’s time to pay for the treatment, he will act like I am a sadistic extortionist. That, incidentally, is another reason for requesting only half mouth cleaning.
If he happens to be a neighbour, friend or acquaintance, there’s no escape. He corners me at a social function and opens his mouth like a freaking hippo. Then, pointing to his pus-filled, rotten teeth, he would royally demand his kingly right for an instant free dental check-up. Yes, in front of three hundred guests. Advising His Majesty to drop his dirty habits is dismissed with, “Oh …You are there to take care of my teeth… I will eat anything I like.” Translation: I can ruin my teeth with abandon. And obviously, it is my sacred duty to resurrect them. Miracle worker again!
Being a dentist also implies creating awareness about oral diseases, their prevention and treatment. And it works. People are usually open to suggestion; they follow our advice and reap the benefits.
Not so with mouth marauders. They are an entirely different species. Slaves to their addictions, they find a perverse pleasure in messing up all things clean. Their motto is ‘Healthy mouth doesn’t matter; make it filthy like the gutter’.
Listen to your pleading body…you nicotine nawabs. Your mouth is crucial for your existence. Honour it. Respect it. Keep it clean. Use it to eat wholesome food. It gives you one of the greatest pleasures of life: Tasting. Speaking differentiates you from dumb animals. Your smile, your beauty shines through it. It expresses your emotions, your sensuality. Do not ravage it with poison. You may love being self-destructive; what about your family? Treat it with tender loving care. If you fear a professional check-up, at least visit the internet. Brushing and flossing techniques are freely available. Yes, flossing, not flushing…with pik. And if you can take some valuable time off your paan dukaan gossip sessions, please visit your dentist who will provide treatment, advice and guidance.
Ignore your teeth and they will go away (pun intended). You don’t care about that? This will get your attention: Oral disease screws up your general health. The devil has a special banquet for people like you. The menu consists of diabetes, heart disease, and respiratory illness; even miscarriages and deformed newborns. Take your pick. A dirty mouth might just be the cause of these horrors. End of sermon.
Then there’s the Big One: Cancer. The lamest logic I hear is “People who do not use tobacco or gutkha get cancer too.” Well, people who are careful, who follow all traffic rules, also meet with accidents. Does that justify crossing the road with your eyes closed? For Heaven’s sake, drop the delusion. Mixed with ignorance, it’s a deadly cocktail.
Age, education or experience has nothing to do with it. This incident says it all: A young colleague of mine, taking the smoking history of a highly qualified elderly patient, asked: “Do you smoke?” The gentleman smiled, placed a friendly hand on my young friend’s shoulder, and said: “Not today, son, will have a Gold Flake some other time!”
At least he plans to visit the dentist again. There might still be hope after all.
