“Dear Vipul.
That was a wonderful occasion. Wasn’t it?
For the annual day celebration of our company over a hundred employees from the Mumbai branch got together at the seaside resort of Alibagh. Usually involved in developing software logic for complex problems, we were unwinding ourselves. The entire atmosphere was full of gaiety.
I must extend my heartfelt thanks to you for helping me select the shirt at the Nirvana Mall for this occasion. The shirt was appreciated by one and all. This is one more addition to the list of my clothes selection with you after you joined our group. Vipul, I am so thrilled that our choice of clothes really matches.
Thanks once again.
Bye.
Sagar.”
“Dear Sagar.
I think now we must not use the word THANKS between us. After all, we are friends.
Our plan for the Saturday dinner is still on. Isn’t it?
See you then on Saturday evening.
Bye.
Vipul.”
“Dear Vipul.
I totally agree with your idea of trekking only two of us to Bhimapuri.
With a bigger group, we lose our freedom of movement.
See you at the railway station at 7:30 in the evening on Friday.
Bye then.
Sagar.”
“Dear Sagar.
It was a thrilling trek with a few nerve-breaking events. When you slipped and held my hand for support. But I was unprepared. And I also lost my balance. We both slipped nearly 15 feet. When I found out that a gorge existed very near with steep rocky walls and a stream running at the bottom, I had goosebumps. Crawling, we helped each other and got to a safe place. The way we recovered and got onto our feet was unimaginable.
It was an unforgettable experience. I have clicked the pictures of the ravine.
Enjoyed every moment of the trek.
When is the next trek?
Vipul.”
“Dear Vipul.
Yesterday, when we met, I found you were not your usual self. What is bothering you?
I am concerned about it. Please let me know how I can help you.
Waiting for your reply.
Sagar.”
“Dear Sagar.
I am so happy that you have judged my emotional condition, absolutely right. I am worried.
Actually, that is a very trivial matter.
I received a letter from my father stating that they were searching for a match for me, and they shortlisted a few girls. They wanted me to go to my village and select one of them. They want me to get married soon.
But what if my thinking process does not match that of my partner? That will bring me a lot of sorrow in life.
So many arranged marriages indeed take place. And all of them are not unhappy. But if such a mismatch comes my way?
Sagar, I believe you have understood me well enough in our long association. I give maximum importance to love in my relationship. The moment I realize that the other person does not love me, I keep away from that person. In the case of an arranged marriage, the real emotional traits of the partners would be known only after marriage. I am scared of the situation of my partner not loving me wholeheartedly.
I don’t want to get married. Not only now. But I have decided not to get married at all.
You will wonder why. I will tell you on Friday when we will meet in the evening.
See you.
Vipul.”
“Vipul.
I was shocked by your explanation for not getting married ever.
Just one adverse experience and you are so much hurt. I know you are sensitive. When you said you loved your colleague, Ashwini, you must have analysed your emotions about her. You also must have judged the girl from all the angles that you consider important for a relationship. And you judged her not for a few days but for a solid 8 months. Then you realized Ashwini did not match your emotional traits.
But Vipul, every human has a plethora of emotions. It is just not possible to match cent per cent with each other. They ought to be different in some situations. Empathy and adjustment play an important role. If this trait is capable of playing an important role, life can be full of happiness. Sadness will not get an entry into the relationship and certainly never get a long-lasting place in the association. So don’t get bogged down by the differences. They can always be won over.
Think over your decision again.
Hope to hear something positive from you.
Sagar.”
“Dear Sagar.
Initially, when I noticed the increase in differences with my crush Ashwini, I tried all my ideas to overcome them. But do you have any idea of NARCISSISM? This is a mental health condition wherein people have an unreasonable sense of their own importance. They need and they seek too much attention and want people to always admire them. They feel they deserve privileges and special treatment. As a result, they lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. They are upset with the slightest criticism. They look down upon people who they find not important. Slowly, I discovered Ashwinifitted that category. And it was against my way of thinking, my self-effacing nature. It started upsetting me again and again. After initial interesting meetings, our coming together brought tensions along.
Then I took leave from work for two weeks and went to a far-off place alone giving myself sufficient time for ruminating on our meetings. Thought over all the possible solutions. But finally, I concluded that we did not match each other. I dreaded spending most of our togetherness in hunting for solutions to overcome differences. I did not want to spend my life this way.
And this happened after a lot of time of association. This is extremely difficult to get before marriage. And the discovery of mismatch after marriage is exasperating and going through the process of divorce is excruciating.
So I have decided not to get married.
I hope you will understand me as you know my behaviour in every situation.
Vipul.”
“Dear Vipul.
Your opening out the heart was deeply felt.
Your being watchful about your life partner on the emotional front was soul-stirring.
The sexual attraction plays an influential role in selecting a life partner. But it is a fact that the sexual attraction fades down with time.
So one must be emotionally so strong that while selecting a life partner, the sex aspect or the infatuating effect should play the minimum role. Otherwise, in case of an emotionally mismatched marriage, two lives would be affected.
As you experienced narcissism in the period of understanding each other before marriage, I also would like to share my experience with you.
What I encountered was a gas lighting experience.
Sagar.”
“Sagar,
Please share with me your feelings while selecting a life partner.
Vipul.”
“Vipul,
As we discussed, I too looked for a girl of my choice. A couple of years ago, I found my colleague Leena worth considering as my life partner. Knowing her enough. I focused on her. I tried to understand her further. However, additional interactions with her revealed that she tended to be a gaslighter. She used psychological methods to manipulate me to do things that she wanted me to do, questioning my powers of reasoning. Denials or telling blatant lies became regular.
She used my likings against me. When I analysed it later, I realized my self-esteem was being crushed.
It put me off. She shattered my ideas of love.
Platonic love took up an important position in my life, too. Pure love. Sort of selfless love.
Sagar.”
“Dear Sagar,
I am so happy to understand your ideas about your partner.
This fits my definition of love.
I know it is very difficult to get such kind of relationship.
Nevertheless, I have found it.
Sex is very much at a lower level in this relationship. As a life partner, a man will not be able to share that aspect of pleasure. But we are ready to forego that matter for the sake of pure love. I suppose it is termed platonic love.
Our experience with the opposite sex on the emotional front, is the same, tending negative. I would like to have you as my life partner who has a heart filled with pure, selfless love .The platonic love in our relationship will play an important role. How well we understand each other’s feelings! Our empathetic, compassionate behaviour will always make our life sail smoothly even in difficult situations.
What do you think about this idea? Would you give sufficient consideration to my proposal?
Awaiting your reply,
Bye.
Vipul.”
“Vipul,
I gave a serious thought to your idea.
I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you. Knowing that our emotional traits match each other so very well, I am prepared to renounce other matters in this relationship.
We will meet tomorrow at the earliest.
Can’t wait to see you in person.
Love you.
Sagar.”
“Will see you, my love.
Vipul.”
